Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. I should really get them a twitter account.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling "Hey asshole, she's blind!"
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Blonde Zooey Deschanel in "Elf," or brunette in "New Girl," hard to figure out which one I'd least like to bang; probably Whitney Cummings.
Wine bottles should have twist off tops because it's hard to stop crying long enough to get the cork out.
Starbucks was out of those little cardboard sleeves but my barista provided great customer service by letting me use his philosophy degree.
Casey Anthony not guilty, changes name to Susan B.
Happy birthday to Scott Caan who is 5'5'' today.
"WE'RE PREGNANT!" --Guy who doesn't understand anatomy
You know what would be really cool? If we charged broke people for their own money. ~Prepaid Credit Card inventor
I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can't I stay in shape just by hating?
it's a sad state of the world when you can't let your 3yo out for a beer run without fearing he'll be kidnapped.
I spend most of my weekends sitting outside the Macy's fitting room holding a purse so strangers think I have a girlfriend.
A study's found that silver's no longer America's favourite car colour. Also, black's no longer America's favourite President colour.
Writing a check at the grocery store is an excellent way of letting people know you have a plastic rain hat in your purse.
I have more pictures of my kids than my Dad even looked at me.
He said I should've been able to finish the laundry since I don't do anything all day and THAT is why I killed him officer.
Men have no shame, therefore, it's just another walk.
Taking notes in a small notebook when someone asked in shock “What are you doing?” 2011: When handwriting became suspicious.
You know you're an asshole when you get sexted with "your dirty" and you reply, "you're."
My mom is complaining no one can send me emails because I send them to "Snoops." Yes, mom, "Snoops" and I are why we can't have nice frauds.
One good thing about Facebook is how it will ultimately kill the entire high school reunion industry.
Amazing that I can fit three laptops in the same space a social life used to take up!
My husband's ex girlfriend is sitting in her living room watching tv. Don't ask me how I got this information.
If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I like old stuff. It reminds me of people I've never met and a time I've never known and how interesting it all must have been.
These original theater seats, for example. I bought them at the Pasadena Flea Market in 2002 for $300. Underneath one of them is a wire rack that was made expressly for gentlemen to stow their brimmed hats when they went to the movies. So they wouldn't block the view of the people sitting in back of them. Because apparently people were more polite back then. And probably didn't annoy others by talking on their cell phones even though they didn't exist. The cell phones, not the people.
I spent years searching for a 1950's era TV. There was a thrift shop in LA that sold them but every time I went in to ask for one, the man who owned the place laughed and said they spent about 6 seconds in the shop before they were sold. He put me on a waiting list. 16 years ago. He still hasn't called me.
My dad lived in St. Petersburg, Florida and died in 2001. I spent a lot of time there trying to get his estate in order (it eventually took me 3 years) (fuck). On one trip I found this beauty for $75.00. I was shocked because the price for a 1950's era TV starts at $500. Starts.
By the time I got back to the shop with my Dad's car, the owner had returned and was FURIOUS that his sales guy, a kid about 19 years old, had let the TV go for so little. I played dumb when the owner asked me if I was aware of how much these televisions normally went for. Fortunately for me I'm very good at playing dumb. I'm not only blonde but I have a Bachelor's Degree in Theater. This might have been the only time it came in handy. Sorry Mom and Dad.
I can't tell you how many times I patted myself on the back for scoring a $500 TV for $75.
I'd get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "Good morning, genius." And also, "Good morning Angelina, breakfast will be right out."
To crate and ship the TV across country cost me $500.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Sidebar: I would give away my jewelry collection to be called an aging teenager JUST ONE MORE TIME. Thanks, God.
So leave me a comment and you'll be eligible to receive this book for FREE. If you're not a winner, you can go to the link above and buy it off Amazon. But Free is better. At least that's what people tell me.