Friday, November 28, 2008
I had AAA come and install a new battery on Tuesday. The gas tank was full but half of it had evaporated. I drove to get a Big Mac and then got my car washed. Then it rained the next day because God likes to remind me every once in a while that I'm not in charge of everything. That's how much HE knows.
I drove to Costco where the lines were long and the shoppers mean. I was trying to negotiate my cart around a woman who OF COURSE didn't move after I said, "Excuse me; I have trouble walking and my hands don't work well." She replied, "Sure, as long as you stop HITTING ME." So I smiled sweetly, which is virtually impossible for me, and added a huge limp to my walking pattern plus drool and crossed eyes and hobbled away like Quasimodo. It gave me immense pleasure. God, I make a perfect 10 year old.
I didn't go to Malibu for Thanksgiving after all. Some of the guests I wanted to see weren't going to be there so I went to the party across the street, which was fabulous. Johnny and Carson (who was one of my friends who helped me during my recovery and who had been though a similar situation with her leg) are a married couple and all their friends are in the performing arts. Directors, singers, radio newscasters, etc. No kids! But dogs! Yay! A friend of theirs cooked two turkeys in their smoker. The moment I saw there was no green bean casserole in any form I was thrilled. They did asparagus with hollandaise, so much better. I didn't take my camera and after I saw the crowd, I was sorry I didn't.
Here's a pretty cheap and FABULOUS gift for your friends who drink: Caramel Vodka
1 bottle cheap vodka
1 and a half bags of Werther's Caramels
1 large vessel
1 funnel as needed
Do not use cheap caramels or expensive vodka!!
-Pour the vodka in the large vessel
-Add the caramels
-Leave overnight until all the caramels have melted.
-Pour back into empty vodka bottle after removing the vodka label
-Wrap with Xmas paper and a bow
The caramels will take up a lot of space so all the liquid will not fit back into the vodka bottle. I never got around to figuring this part out. My friends and I would usually drink what wouldn't fit into the bottle and take turns mocking AA by announcing "Hi, my name is Suzy and..oops, there's the bell!" They give you 5 minutes to speak and then ring a bell. Even if you're having a stroke at the podium, get off! It's worse than school and I think we all know how well I did there. Which might explain why I can't figure out the caramel into vodka bottle ratio.
I have not heard from my surgeon in Mumbai.
End of chat.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
She writes about it today on her blog. She explains how the U.S. is seen from abroad. And around the world. We are NOT a popular country but you already knew that, right? I'M still popular, of course, but you already knew that, right?
While I was there in 2006, there was a terrorist attack at a train station. I was in a temple by my hospital and they ran us through metal detectors. At the time I didn't know why but read about it later on. They deliver 2 newspapers a day to your hospital room, kinda like here, only not.
Click on the label at the end of this post to see all the pictures I took of these lovely and kind people.
I still haven't heard from my doctor. Maybe he's helping the wounded. Braja said they killed Indians as well, which I hadn't heard on our news. I woke up at 4 a.m. thinking of him and all the people in that hospital. The news this morning is now announcing they're still under fire today, which I think is tomorrow there. The International Date Line is clearly for people who can count.
I think we all know where that leaves me.
End of chat.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Do you get in trouble for starting a fire in your apartment and then say your hands were so numb you couldn't pick up a bottle of
There's a cricket living in my bathroom. I can't remember which ones chirp, the male or the female, but this one doesn't chirp. It also doesn't leave the bathroom. Years ago I would just drop a Harper's Bazaar on it and wait a few days to scrape up the corpse. On occasion, I would keep them off death row and cover them with a glass and slide the paper underneath etc. etc. and free them outside while doing the Heebie Jeebie Dance. Then a few years ago my mother and her friend told me crickets bring good luck and never to kill one. So because of my hands I can't even lift a Harper's Bazaar much less aim a glass over a cricket. So I decided to just ignore it. It's been there about 3 weeks and it did disappear for a while and I thought it had died or escaped. Then the last 3 days I saw it again. Today I was in the kitchen and saw a baby cricket, where the bathroom wall and the kitchen wall meet.
I guess it was a she cricket and gave birth to probably one thousand babies. If I have great luck this year I'm going to be asking you all for name suggestions. Lots and lots and LOTS of name suggestions. But I'm glad I didn't kill the mother.
Good grief, I'm the crazy cricket lady.
While I call AAA, go read the latest part of my memoir at Scrivel.
End of chat.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Jokes from the show Single, Married & Divorced starring Suzy Soro and Leslie Norris
Written by Leslie Norris
Illustration by Andre Noel
Click on the label below and it will take you to the other 7 cartoons from our stage book
Friday, November 21, 2008
See yesterday's post if you don't get that.
Web MD is the devil. Trying to discover why my hands are still numb and my upper arms are unusable and clicking from page to page and symptom to symptom it appears I might actually have died a few years ago.
"The Secret Service also has cautioned the public not to assume that any threats against Obama are due to racism." What's it from then? His height? The Secret Service detail must be leftover Bushites, i.e. STUPID.
Lindsay Lohan got flower sacked in Paris when she showed up wearing a fur. I can't believe PETA asks people not to wear fur. Maybe I should ask them to stop wearing crocs. Or clothes that don't match. Or to throw on a lipstick. All of that kills MY SOUL but I don't tell other people how to live or what to do. When they were throwing paint on 130,000 fur coats, I'm hoping that some of the celebrities sued for destroying personal property. I'm not wearing a dachshund, PETA, fuck off.
My family and I have reconciled and my sister has come over once a week to help me, which has saved my life. She's like the Cleaning Whisperer. Sponges, pots and pans, and detergent all gather around her legs when she enters the kitchen.
At one aisle in Mayfair Market we both exclaimed "Oh wow, look!" I turned to her and she was pointing to some unpronounceable foreign bottled water while I was pointing to those new Strawberry Eggos. Twins!
She even let me drive her new BMW as soon as I removed my hands from around her throat. So come Monday, AAA to jump start my car and then Thanksgiving down at some friend's beautiful home in the jewel of Southern California, Malibu. They have one bathroom with the most outstanding tile work I've ever seen. EVER.
They finally cancelled Monk after 9 painful years of Tony Shaloub making the same 3 faces over and over. We got it. OCD. NINE YEARS OF OCD.
"Crackalackin" has replaced "Mamma Mia" as the most obnoxious words on television.
End of chat.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
End of chat.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
This is a picture of me and Janette Barber from the 1996-97 Comedy Issue of Dancing Bear Productions. I pinched her contact info off another friend's LinkedIn profile. I hadn't seen or talked to her in 8 years. It's hard to read the copy below but she produced the Rosie O'Donnell show and is now working on Rosie's new variety show. She has lots of Emmys. For followers of Rosie's old show, Janette was the "Ja" in Jahero.
The profile next to my name says 'Hates Everybody.'
My favorite Janette story happened in Buffalo, NY when we were both working for Airborne Eddie. I was headlining but was panicked because Janette killed everywhere and I now had to follow her. So I called her and shared my fear and she pooh poohed the idea that I couldn't follow her. I then called my manager and shared with him and he dismissed me with "I only handle headliners so deal with it."
So of course I got laryngitis the hour after I arrived in Buffalo. During the week my voice got worse and worse until I sounded like Lauren Bacall smoking Cohibas. Then there was a fire in the hotel and they sounded the alarms and Janette didn't come out of her room, which was next door to mine. I pounded on the door until she casually opened it.
"WE'RE ON FIRE!"
A fireman ran past us.
"Oh, okay, just let me get my book."
"JA - NETTE." She ran back into the room and then reappeared at the door.
"Wait, I need a sweater cuz it's cold out."
"Yeah, you can wear it to the MORGUE."
As we waited outside, I didn't see a book.
"Where's your book?"
She held up a spiral notebook, where she kept all her jokes. She was risking her life for a bunch of jokes. I, on therother hand, would've gladly watched mine feed the flames.
ANYWAY, by the penultimate day of the gig, I could barely talk and asked Janette to switch with me since her spot required 30 minutes while mine required 45. Janette said she'd gladly do it to prove to Eddie how good she was because up until then Airborne Eddie wouldn't book her as a headliner. But he agreed to the switch as I was begging him to give me a break.
Eddie only booked her as a headliner after that.
End of chat.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I'd like to hand it off to Nanny, who has just been laid off after 16 years of
Hang in there girls, were pulling for you both.
End of chat.
Monday, November 17, 2008
2. The first woman tries to run for the White House.
3. The first woman in 24 years runs for Vice-President.
4. Dr. Rachel Maddow, a self-titled "butch lesbian" averaged a higher rating of the 25-54 much sought after demographic in the first 13 out of 25 days of her MSNBC TV show, beating CNN's Larry King for the first time.
5. Ann Dunwoody becomes the first 4 star Army general in U.S history. (took her 33 years)
Jews support Jews, gays support gays, white men support white men, blacks support blacks, Latinos support Latinos. So I support women and will die trying. I don't care about ANYONE'S politics because ultimately, it all ends up being the same politics plus or minus a filibuster or two. I wish I had been a fly on the wall when the CIA briefed Obama on what is really going on in the world.
But I wish Obama the best and will support him as one of his first acts is taking on a serious U.S. problem, The Baggy Pants Law in Florida.
Before the Internet, when bloggers and websites reported that Palin had her daughter's baby and a gay friend claimed Palin's son is gay and circulated a picture of him blowing another guy. (It was so out of focus and obviously photo shopped I'm pretty sure it was Cheney going down on Bush.) And other sites reported Obama wouldn't pledge allegiance to the flag and was a friend to terrorists. Even TV was recently caught up in the Palin hoax re Africa.Really shameful behavior for America, the stupidest and most violent country in the world. Due diligence has been replaced by Perez Hilton. The irony is that for all the mudslinging, Obama and Palin each became superstars.
When Prop. 8 (legalize gay marriage)was defeated here we were all shocked. But I had to wonder, I was asked to pass that blow job photo to as many people as possible. I didn't, obviously. Did other gay people send out the same hateful and erroneous email? Did people believe it? Did they forward it?
Because karma IS a bitch.
End of chat.
Friday, November 14, 2008
1. My sister's cleaning OCD is so severe that you can now see the fingerprints from the carpenter who built her French side tables in 1879.
2. My mother stretches every piece of fabric she touches. EVEN AT MUSEUMS WHERE IT SAYS DO NOT TOUCH.
3. This was the bar in my Dad's apartment. He tore down a wall, moved a jacuzzi and made one of the bedrooms into a bar. Obviously my father was the normal one in the family. Kind of. He saved every lottery ticket he ever played. He then took the time to arrange them and COUNT them. And here they are: 12,881. I'm hoping those were only a dollar each because if not, my sister and I would have been a lot richer 8 years ago when he died.
4. There's no point in listing my peccadilloes as there isn't enough bandwidth so that's why I wrote my book, All the Bad Sex I've Had, a very, very, very long book. Chapter 2 (part 5) is now up at Scrivel. OR just click on my name on the home page and all the previous parts come up, albeit backwards, which is definitely a metaphor for my personality. Some names in the book have been changed to protect the guilty, including me, and some haven't, like ex-Yankee Reggie Jackson. It hasn't been vetted by lawyers so I hope they have WiFi in prison.
All the odd chapters are about the guy I call Elvis in this blog and it's a continuous story about his dead wife, me and him and how she won't leave us alone for 5 minutes already. Every even chapter is about one of the idiots I had bad sex with and explains what's wrong with me.
"Elvis" is like the guy in "You're so Vain." He exists but I ain't blabbing. For once.
End of chat.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Do I have proof of past life stuff? Yes, and it's in my book which is over at Scrivel.com. (just click on my name and you turn into a millionaire.) There is WAY more out there than most people imagine. I've been studying metaphysics since 1983 and some stuff even scares the shit out of me. Remember when both my TV and stereo turned themselves on in the middle of the night? Anyway, this is Yoshi and his Green Ball. We can't actually say those words and have to call it GB. This must be a habit we picked up in feudal Japan.
GB is Yoshi's pet. He stands around with it in his mouth. FOREVER. When he lies down, he tucks it gently under his chin and puts his head over it. My sister bought the same ball in red and he was all "I don't THINK so." She can't bring GB with her when she travels because he would drive us crazier than we already are.
The most fun is to hide it and ask him where it is.
No animals were harmed in the typing of this post. But I did beat the crap out of my sister.
End of chat.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
So I was thin my entire life until before this last surgery. I got up to 147 because I stopped exercising and was so unhappy. Now that I'm finally back to 123 I find Ruby, the reality show about the once 700 pound woman who is now around 500 lbs.
I have watched Sweat Dripping Into Their Dishes Iron Chef, Relative of Famous Movie Director So That's Why She Doesn't Use Her Married Name Chef Giada di Laurentis, Husband Cheats On Her Chef Rachael Ray, Where Is Her Husband Chef The Barefoot Contessa and Cholesterol Chef Whose Husband Married Her For Her Money Paula Butter Dean. Not ONCE during any of these shows did I feel like eating. McLoserstene used to marvel that I could watch them without eating as she said she could just turn to the food channel and gain five pounds.
Ten minutes into Ruby and I was ready to have dinner for 12. And because there are so many delivery restaurants around me, I had to eat my takeout menus. I have no idea why Ruby set me off on a feeding frenzy since she barely ate anything in the show. So I'm not going to watch it anymore although I WOULD like my own show. They could call it Skinny Bitch.
End of chat.
Monday, November 10, 2008
But my hands are still numb.
These are the things I wish would disappear into the recession:
1. Saran Wrap. Buy Press and Seal, much easier to use.
2. Bleach. Impossible to press down and turn that top. Stop buying white clothes.
3. Cutting the stems of flowers. I just got 2 dozen roses and by the time I finished cutting the stems the bouquet looked like a roller-coaster ride. Buy them in a vase at your local store and hand deliver them. It took me 10 minutes to open the box that I guess was meant to orbit space for 45 years.
4. Blogger spellcheck. A fetus could correct more errors than their stupid program.
5. Medicine bottles. Ask the pharmacist to give you the bottles that open easier instead of the press and turn. If you're afraid your kids will find them, they're already into drugs and looking for more so it's too late.
6. Opening jars. Jam, peanut butter, heroin.
7. I can't put my hair up. Buy a wig which I'mthisclose to doing.
8. And the cruelest one of all, I can fit into my old clothes and can't BUTTON anything so I'm thinking of walking around nude. I'll probably get better service this way.
If you have a neighbor or friend who has arthritis or one hand or anything wrong with their upper appendages, don't forget about them. It's easy to do that when your own hands work.
ASK them If they need help opening things. It will make them feel good that you care and leave the door open for them to maybe ask you to help them the next time. Sometimes I would sit up here for days feeling like I shouldn't bother people for something but when I asked, they were more than happy to help. My friends Carson and Karen will call and the first thing out of their mouths, even today is, "What can I do to help?"
End of chat.
Friday, November 07, 2008
My sister was with me and two tenants rushed outside to help. ALL OF THIS because our asshole manager, the one the entire building hates, won't water the outdoor plants. So 2 jade trees are lost, one almost dead and one struggling. I've complained to management but they're more retarded than our manager. So I was trying to do it and asked the gardener to help me and I fell.
So I'm sitting by the side of the pool with an icepack Tony brought me (The neighbor who lent me the black boot post-op). He's like a mini hospital in that he knew all the symptoms of concussion and so did Jenny, owner of Monkey Dog, who also rushed to help.
So I go to thank the gardener and say, "You're Japanese right?" SO OF COURSE HE WASN'T AND WHY DID I ASK HIM THAT? It's not like I even speak Japanese. So he says he's Korean and I continue to talk and say, "How do you say Thank You in Korean and he didn't understand and walked away. The only thing that made me feel better was that he kept getting me and my sister confused.
As we walked to my sister's car she said, "I totally thought he was Japanese."
My sister's practically on the dole. She traded in her white 525i BMW at $660 a month to a white 325i BMW at only $400 a month. I told her our financial guru Suze Orman says a lease is a waste of money and she knew it but riposted with "No maintenance problems ever and a new car every two years." My Ford Contour is 11 years old and blueberry colored. Yeah, I don't stick out too much in this town.
Just when all the annoying political shit has stopped on TV, today they STARTED THE XMAS CRAP.
After two days of a horrific slide on Wall Street, almost a thousand points, it's up $248 today. This is all dismal news for the economy for those of you who follow the stock market as an indicator of our stabilty. It. Is. Bad. And my sister, who TRAVELS with the stock quotes and talks to her stockbroker more than our mother, says it's still going down. There goes my BMW, which I was going to buy in 45 years.
Go over to Uproarious, where I say Goodbye.
End of chat.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I actually felt sorry for each presidential hopeful by the end of the campaign. They had a lot to deal with no matter who was declared the winner. And none of the issues are easily solved, some not even possible in a few years, like health care and the two wars.
My biggest concern has always been terrorism. We've only had one president since 9/11 so we don't know how terrorists will view a new one. There were no attacks during Clinton. Do terrorists only hate a Republican President? A Washington Insider reminded me recently that the real reason for 9/11 was to ultimately bring the US to its financial knees. We're there now. How will a new President jump start our economy? Can he force us to shop more and take trips and vacations? How is a new President going to force companies to rehire people or not foreclose on a house? Is a new President going to stave off the recession that is already here?
And for those of you women who were teenagers during the last time we had a woman on the ticket, 1984, when McLoserstene was only 5 years old, (!!!) you may have just witnessed the last time in your life this phenomenon will occur. The next one might find a lot of women divorced, widowed or deceased. Palin's greatest contribution, which most women who either are SAHM's or have a husband's paycheck to help them may not have come across in their lives, is that her campaign revealed that the treatment by the press was sexist. But eventually stopped. And every woman out there needs to be grateful for that, even if you're too young or naive to realize it. I admire her for not whining about it. Unlike me.
Here's my favorite quote from the campaign:
"The irony here is that, in no small way, Obama made Palin possible. The celebrity status of politicians is nothing new, but Obama took it to another level. He created an atmosphere where a paper-thin resume was no longer seen as an obstacle to success, but an asset. He built his campaign around a promise of change that even his adherents will grudgingly admit was more atmospheric than substantive." ~ New York Magazine, 10/09
Over 20 years ago, women started naming their children with monikers that didn't point out their gender. Now they've gone back to olde tyme names. I hope this isn't portentious.
My memoir over at scrivel continues and the bad sex is coming up! And over at Uproarious I'm giving tips on what NOT to say on your blogs if you want to be considered funny.
End of chat.
Monday, November 03, 2008
I used to have only two top bad movies on my list: 1. Convoy and 2. Hairspray, with John Revolta. But they have both been bumped down a notch to add Baby Mama to the number one spot. I love Tina Fey and think she's done a lot for women in comedy. She's such a huge success that people don't automatically say Women Aren't Funny anymore because her name comes rolling out as the first argument. So yay for Tina but Baby Mama is a mess and why didn't the writer, Michael Something, let her HELP HIM WITH THE SCRIPT? It's hacky, badly edited and a waste of a normally funny cast: Steve Martin, Amy Poehler, Sigourney Weaver with THE stupidest D plot I've ever seen, Holland Taylor, Maura Tierney and Greg Kinnear, who is one of my former husbands.
I finally saw Sex and the City. Clothes were fabulous but soooooo much product placement. The wedding gown sequence + Vogue angle in particular. I'm wondering how much editor Anna Wintour paid for that? (Project Runway went to her before Elle Magazine and Anna turned them down so I don't think she'll be turning down anything else after that mistake.) Saw only two major accessory mistakes, one on Samantha and one on Charlotte. You can't wear 3" drop earrings with a major necklace. Since the earrings in question looked exactly the same, I couldn't help but think that Pat Field was doing some jeweler a solid.
I had been warned that the Samantha plot line was messed up. I think they put her in California AND made her fat because of the well known financial donnybrook between her and SJP. When is someone going to tell Sarah Jessica that when you have small eyes, you CANNOT rim your inside bottom lid because it will make you look like a reptile? When? Am I the only Makeup and Accessory Police Officer on duty these days?
The movie kinda depressed me. That movie was my life before I went into comedy. It was me, my sister, Jane the model, and Liz the flight attendant. The only labels we could afford back then were Vuitton, the 'old' brown ones. NO ONE had Chanel or Valentino but the insanely wealthy. But we all went to Paris a lot and Liz traveled around the world so we always had avant garde jewelry and purses. Jane spent a lot of time in Japan right before Japan owned everything and she had model stuff to die for, especially shoes. We never left home before 11 pm and Jane knew every hot nightclub and party in town. Restaurants weren't the cool place to be seen then, unless you counted Elaine's. We were all much wilder than the Sex girls and we would never have allowed a "Charlotte" to hang with us. Or we would have, just to take turns slapping her. And designer shoes? No such thing back then.
My sister had more flowers delivered to her than any other woman I've ever met. She was once in Paris and complaining to her boyfriend at the time that she missed me so he flew me and my dog to Morocco to meet them. Another time she was at JFK with another boyfriend, on their way to Europe, when his ex-girlfriend showed up and made such a scene that he sent my sister home and took the ex to Europe. Roses arrived about thirty minutes after she did. The days before 9/11 were SO much easier to navigate.
Old New York was so much more fun than today's city. People did not have to move to Brooklyn because Manhattan was too expensive. Downtown was not chic, but funky, and anyone who considered themselves any kind of artist always moved to NY. Now NY seems like Connecticut. Too much money and not enough imagination. They should just rename the city Trumpville.
End of chat.