Remember Denise Thomas? From yesterday? The President and FOUNDER of the Bored Club? The one who Candy said 'definitely had issues'? Well, she sent me this yesterday:
TOP TEN THINGS FOR SUZY TO DO WHILE SHE RECUPERATES:
10. Macramé a new bikini. Would you get on with it already?
9. Take up scrapbooking and compile undercover photos of psychotic neighbors to post throughout the neighborhood at a later date. Make sure to use pretty, decorative frames.
8. Interview contractors. Find the really hot ones, and tell them you want your apartment renovated to match your new, physically challenged lifestyle. When you recover, act like it’s a miracle and be sure to tell them you have full use of all your limbs now. Also that your tongue works normally.
7. Similarly, carefully place yourself on the floor, then call 911. Tell them you need help getting up. If cute EMTs show up, explain that after years of wearing dangerously high heels, your doctor advised that your dancing career would only continue if you had surgery. You’re hoping to be back on the pole by Memorial Day. See what happens.
6. Enjoy the opportunity a physical ailment gives you to act like you are insane. Sit on your terrace and harass passersby. Get a cane, to shake in the air for emphasis. That’s stuff most of us only dream of.
5. Catch up on Regis and Kelly. Call me just before you hang yourself.
4. Remember that you could be climbing Mt. Everest. There, now don’t you feel better?
3. Cat’s Cradle never gets old.
2. Make up dirty songs and leave them on your mother’s answering machine. Tell her it’s the drugs talking. What’s she gonna do?
1. Three words: Home Shopping Network.
In other writing news, I have a new post up at Scrivel today. It's about the one and only time I worked with comedian Andy Kaufman.
End of chat.