Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Mailbag # 3


This is the third installment of anonymous snippets from emails I've received. Click on the label at the end of this post to read other excerpts from my demented intelligent friends. If you recognize your line and want to out yourself, be my guest.

Hee hee....well...I now know you are not perfect and can have typos. Wow. Not sure I can look you in the eye again.

I feel like the last kid to be tested on the rope climb in gym class. Everyone else has finished and is standing around, relieved, just watching me & waiting for me to give myself a crotch burn.

If you ever decide to do a show I hope you'll think of me for director. I won an award for directing a show but I can’t remember the name of the award.

Should I mention my book? Or is that whorish? I'm asking because I know that you are the arbitrator of all things whorish.

She has brought her 9 year old every day and I’m sorry but I don't spend that much time with my own kid. I go to work to escape kids and then I’m stuck with that kid...who's not even cute.

I am off to try and finish the first Harry Potter. Am I the only one in the world who just can't seem to get into it?

There is this thing in nature where newborn babies look like their father so the father doesn’t eat them.

Anyway, the main point of this was to email and admit to being an asshole. I have thought of calling you back every day. Retarded shit happens like it's literally too windy to use the phone.

And yeah, I like the Phillies because Who Am I If Not Being Chronically Disappointed By My Sports Team?

I'm just not sure he would have the balls to call her. And then they'd probably just have sex anyway.

I noticed you didn't post today and I got worried.

I bid low and got to perform at the house of this millionaire. I did great. They were happy. I should have asked for more.

Did you ever write so much that you start obsessing about remembering where commas go?

I mean, not everybody is going to like Andrew Dice Clay, but even the people who do like him would get a little freaked out if he broke character in the middle of his act and started talking about how much he loved the Joy Luck Club.

End of chat.

14 comments:

  1. Well, hell - I clicked in on the headline expecting to see pictures of your ugly letter carrier. Now I'm doubly disappointed because my email didn't make the cut. (I HAVE sent you email, haven't I?)

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  2. Beckie11:01 AM

    Those were funny. Although if I may ask (keep in mind I'm new here), how exactly did you come to be the arbitrator of all things whorish?

    Now I'm trying to think of legitimate reasons to email you (and email you with something witty nontheless!).

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  3. Yay! I am coming across as demented again!
    I was thinking of taking a creative writing class, but I think maybe I should start with a grammer class.
    But, as, long, as, I, can, count, on, you, to, find, my, errors, I, suppose, it, can, wait.

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  4. Jami, it's all based on how much patience I have to go thru all the emails I get.

    Beckie, if people needed a legitimate reason to contact me, I'd never get any mail at all. And as to the first question, I think I was grandfathered in.

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  5. gm, good grammar? On the internet? A person can dream...

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  6. "And yeah, I like the Phillies because Who Am I If Not Being Chronically Disappointed By My Sports Team?"

    Yeah, um, try being a Mets fan. This winter is a helluva lot colder up here in NY than it is in Philly.

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  7. these are so good. maybe i will be a copycat and do this someday!

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  8. Anonymous1:40 PM

    I saw the Dice Clay comment and fell down laughing (and Suzy, we rely on you for such things). It made me think of our late beloved comic, Judy Toll, who had a fabulous character, "Andrea Dice Clay."
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  9. Rickey, I used to be a Mets fan. A LONG time ago.

    Hilly, copy away! They actually are funnier taken out of context.

    MJ, I'd love to out the author but if he doesn't, I won't. But it was a He.

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  10. well i'm glad i made the cut! I think I am 2 for 3 aren't I? And ps- now I can't talk 'cause my kid is not getting any cuter either.

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  11. Anonymous9:47 PM

    Overheard on the WGA picket line:

    "I've made more contacts here in a week than I did in a whole year at AA meetings."

    Brad

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  12. Brad, (is this Slaight?) that is the funniest line I've heard in forever.

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  13. This is hysterical! What a great idea! And I like some of those friends of yours! Well, the one about the kid, anyway. The rest are mostly a bit weird. You can keep them. ;)

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  14. Anonymous9:26 PM

    Yes, it's Brad Slaight...and I wish I would have written it instead of hearing it. And the funniest part is that they weren't joking!

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