Thursday, November 08, 2007

Bed, Bath & Bombardment

Ever since I discovered that Bed, Bath & Beyond takes expired coupons, I started hoarding them because I can't believe how much stuff I need from that store. Really important stuff.

Like I didn't realize that without a DVD of an actual fire in a fireplace, I could not get through the winter. And even though we don't have a winter here in LA, you never know when it's going to dip down into the 50's and I'm going to want to curl up in front of my fire with an ice cold glass of lemonade.

I once had a friend over and I had the 'fire' going. After about an hour he turned to me and said, "Isn't it kinda hot in here?" I said I didn't think so and he pointed to the TV and said, "I'm telling you, it's that DVD, it's warming up the whole place." Hey, I didn't say he was one of my smartest friends, ok? I also was not aware that I could scoop avocado out of the skin with a utensil made just for that. All this time I've been using a spoon. Like some common redneck.

I have gotten some really kick ass things from BB&B. A Calphalon pot for my world-class chili, (secret ingredient is beer) a paper towel holder that holds down the towels so that when you rip one off, it's a perfect cut, every time. A hands-free automatic can opener that doesn't leave sharp edges. You can turn this baby on and leave the room and it opens the can while you do important things like yell at your neighbors for playing electronic music and offending the senses. I also got a 4 slot toaster that has dual controls for each side. And a huge drum of Oxi Clean for $9.99? Where else are you going to find that deal?

Apropos of that Oxi Clean, I kept it on the floor in the back seat of my car because it was so heavy that I kept putting off taking it upstairs. I park underground and have 20 million steps up to the pool area and then another 40 trillion steps up to my apartment. Eventually I had to valet my car somewhere and I decided to put the drum of Oxi Clean in the trunk so I wouldn't be mistaken for a housekeeper. And if you're a housekeeper, please don't write me. I'm an equal opportunity hater so it's just the luck of the draw that your profession came up this week. Next week I'm taking down lawyers. See how this works?

But I forgot I put it in my trunk. Then McLoserstene and I went somewhere and when we got out of my car I looked in the back.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."
"What's the matter?"
"It's gone, it's just...gone."
"What's gone?"
"Those fucking valets will steal anything these days."
"WHAT IS MISSING?" she shouted at me. I ignored her and rushed to check my trunk.
"Never mind, it's in the trunk."
"WHAT WAS MISSING?"
"My Oxi Clean."

After she stopped laughing, which, p.s., took a very long time, she looked at me and said, "I thought you had lost your ovaries or your diamond shirt or something really important and it was your OXI CLEAN?"

I really think that's the first sign of aging. You freak out when your cleaning products are missing.

End of chat.

14 comments:

  1. Beckie7:19 AM

    I heart BB&B! I'm going there this weekend to get that curved out shower rod thingy - I would have bought it sooner, but I was waiting for a coupon. I abhor paying full price for anything unnecessarily. Glad the fuckin valets left your oxi-clean alone. I drive around with a flat of gatorade from Costco in my trunk, and when we fly for thanksgiving it's my fear that the car watcher/valet people might steal some. Although I'm not so afraid that I'm willing to lug that fucker into my apartment.

    I know I asked not too long ago, but are you doing any funny business on the east coast soon????

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  2. It's not losing your cleaning products, it's freaking out about losing your glasses that's the first sign of aging. Because without the glasses you can't see the cleaning products.

    Or maybe it's just that the first sign of aging is forgetting where the cleaning products are.

    (and I still like Jay London's line about working in the Beyond section at Bed, Bath & Beyond.)

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  3. We just got a BBB in the city where I shop. I love it, I got these cute hot pink box/seats things on sale. E keeps her clothes in them and also sits on them.

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  4. beckie, what is the curved out shower thingie? I MUST see it. And no, gigs on the East Coast.

    jami, I have a line in my act that when you misplace your glasses you can never find them because you need your glasses to find your glasses. Yeah, I like the London line too.

    gm, be sure you get on board for the coupons. Ask them at the store.

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  5. @beckie - I have a curved out shower rod thingie on both showers at our place and they are terrific! They're not easily installed by the entry-level home handyperson, but once in place, they're great. Get one today!

    @suzy - it's a curved shower curtain rod (it curves OUT away from the tub/shower) that seemingly adds, like, another room to your shower once it's installed. And as a bonus, it somehow keeps the curtain from doing that mysterious "billow in and stick to the showeree" trick.

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  6. Thanks for splaining it to me. I have a glass door on my shower but I could have used it when I lived in NY.

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  7. Anonymous10:49 AM

    Honolulu does not yet have a BB&B, but then we're still waiting for Target and Whole Foods (both supposedly opening within the next year). Suzy, next time you're at BB&B you must purchase the battery operated pepper grinder! How many times have you strained a muscle actually grinding your own pepper? Or ripping open the package of pepper from the drive-through take-out place?
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  8. Anonymous11:46 AM

    mj, is that the one where you just push your thumb on the top and it grinds the pepper? I saw one with Dave (Blogography) in a tourist shop.

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  9. Anonymous12:44 PM

    Anonymous,
    Yes, that's it! You can also order them from the Barefoot Contessa of Food TV, I believe...who needs to worry about war and upcoming elections when you can instantly grind pepper?
    Aloha,
    MJ

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  10. My MIL clued me into the expiration fact and I've been hoarding as well ever since. I probably have 8-10 of those things. If you have a Linens -n- Things, they accept BBB coupons as well. Sweet.

    BTW, I have a great idea for a photo, but I have to wait for the kids and husband to be out of the house so I can execute it, lest they commit me.

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  11. Linens and things accepts BBB coupons? WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW ALL THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION?

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  12. You know it's funny: I've got 10 million of those fucking coupons but I whenever I'm ACTUALLY AT the nearby BB&B I forget them at home.

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  13. I agree about the curved out shower thingie because i just stayed in a hotel where the shower was that. It is great. BBB is my customer! I am going onsite on Wednesday to their HQ. Anything you want me to tell them (like their cash register process or inventory managment etc.) p.s. I am also going to visit my other customer Tiffany's. I love BBB but they are really fabulous.

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  14. In my drinking days, cleaning products were very importa...

    Funny!

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