I Couldn't Resist

After all the mess of giving a yard sale, you'd think I wouldn't be picking up anything new for a while. But I saw this ashtray for $2.00 at someone else's yard sale and couldn't resist.

I don't smoke.

But I am a bitch and will sit on your head if you get on my nerves.

I'm a delight, aren't I?

Drop Dead Diva, Drop Dead

I expect a lot of reviews of this sophomoric and badly written Lifetime dramedy will begin with the above headline. As a comedian, I would be a poor one if I didn't point out its obvious flaws. This should have been an Alan Smithee production.

Sidebar: Alan Smithee is an official pseudonym used by film directors who wish to disown a project, coined in 1968. Until its use was formally discontinued in 2000, it was the sole pseudonym used by members of the Director's Guild of America when a director dissatisfied with the final product proved to the satisfaction of a guild panel that he or she had not been able to exercise creative control over a film. The director was also required by guild rules not to discuss the circumstances leading to the move or even to acknowledge being the actual director.

Drop Dead Diva stars Brooke Elliott (Broadway's Taboo, Wicked) and is the first show aimed at the 18 -49 demographic that drops the "F" word.

Fat.

Their list of guest stars includes Rosie O'Donnell, who famously won't allow her children to use that word. I can't tell if they padded Brooke's body because I've seen fat and this doesn't look fat to me. It also stars Margaret Cho, who is wasted in her small role and should have been asked to help with the comedy writing, if you want to call it comedy. Contrived circumstances, lucky coincidences and only one person in a guest starring role who is over 30. I haven't seen many law firms where the head lawyer is 29 and hot.(ish) The second half is not as cloying and Holy Mother Of Sarah Jessica Parker, doesn't try to fit square pegs into round holes and sticks to more grown-up writing.

The premise is ripped off from 1941's Here Comes Mr. Jordan which then was redone in 1978 by Warren Beatty as Heaven Can Wait. Here it is in it's newest incarnation. Two women die on the same day. One is blonde, skinny, shallow and engaged and the other is fat, brunette, a lawyer and single.

They trade bodies because AS USUAL someone in Heaven made a mistake. Man, what is UP with those people? Cause if that's a regular theme up there, I'd like to put in a request to switch with Cindy Crawford. Soon, before Randy Gerber loses his looks and his money.

So skinny blonde bimbo in fat brunette's body and miraculously, and even though everyone has got amnesia or is just blind, skinny bimbo knows a LOT about the law because she's in the wrong body! Yikes.

The thing that pissed me off the most about this show is that with all the 3 dimensional characters on shows past, Men in Trees, Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, The Wire, Lipstick Jungle, instead of putting them on cable, they cancel them. Because the rule in Hollywood is pay the actors the least amount of money, hope they have a modicum of talent and a decent Q rating and you have another Army Wives. In the meantime find a new set of suckers to appear on a network reality show where they don't get paid at ALL. Wipeout anyone? (Tim Gunn did the first season of Project Runway, which is now on Lifetime, BTW, for free. The second year he got $1,000 a show.)

Drop Dead Diva premieres tomorrow, Sunday July 12, at 9 pm (ET/PT) on Lifetime and I'd love to hear what you thought of it. If you don't want to reveal your name, sign in as anonymous and just say head's up or down or that you didn't watch it. I did like the title though, if that helps.

Just remember that I'm never wrong (lie) but it could happen, (lie).

Rating C- (I really want to say D+ so I will)

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This is number 64 of the Everybody Can Bite Me posts. And I think I speak for us all when I say, who gives a shit? Every time I sit down to write one, all I can think about is how time is whizzing by and I'm still imploring people to Bite Me. I divided 64 by 7 and then by 12 and when I got the totals I had no idea what the totals meant or why I didn't just divide my brain by my ass. At one point I looked at the calculator and was convinced that dividing by 7 gave me 9 years of Friday posts.

It's totally possible that I was held back in school and my parents didn't tell me. Or my mother told me but I couldn't understand her because of her accent.

"You rrrrrrrr being eld back."
"I'm part of an elk pack?"
"Mais non, imbecile."
"No? I look like a seal?

Yesterday I lost my wallet and was pretty pissed. Credit cards, license and all the usual crap. I had Ofelia the manager helping me and she told me the same thing my mom always tells me about lost objects. Wrap a string in a knot (Ofelia said I could use a scarf) and tie it around a chair leg or throw it on the floor. Pray to San Dimas (if you're Cuban) or St. Anthony if you're Catholic or your bartender if you were out drinking the night before. I tossed and turned all night planning my lose-45 pounds-in-2 days-next-DMV photo.

I found the wallet the next morning but was afraid to tell my mother because they're about 46 minutes from sending me to a home already. She claims I take too many pills. What are her morphine pills made of? Kittens?

I found a Xanax on the bathroom floor yesterday. Sometimes my fingers slip with pills but rarely have I had the good fortune to find a Xanax. Even though it was next to the toilet I still picked it up because I have a 5 month rule as to anything that falls on any part of my floors. I once found a perfectly delicious peanut M and M that way.

I want to thank BlogHer for linking my Michael Jackson Memorial post, which I admit was not what the mainstream was reporting and was me ranting and raving against it. I also want to thank Bitten & Bound because in two days I received over 600 hits on that one post from that link and that website. This is the second time in a month BlogHer and Bitten & Bound have come together and linked me and yet I only got 35.51 from BlogHer. FOR FOUR MONTHS.

Sidebar: Can they fire you for having a big mouth? Love you Jenny 1 & 2. Mean it.

End of chat.

The Michael Jackson Memorial

My earliest Jackson memory was that he was, in the first part of his solo career, referred to as the Prince of Pop in the press. He wondered why he couldn't be the King of Pop, which was considered musical blasphemy since the only "King" then was Elvis. But over time Michael became The King of Pop. Either that or Prince the singer was all, "Yeah, I don't THINK so. Get your own fucking name."

This is not a happy peppy review because I don't do happy peppy. This is wonderment how addicts like Elvis, Heath Ledger, Chris Farley, John Belushi and Michael Jackson get deified in the face of all the people who loved them and turned a blind eye to their addictions. But as an addict myself I know one thing, the only person who could stop me was me.

I have no idea how they pulled this memorial off. It was a testament to the Jackson Family's attention to detail and perfection that created the Jackson 5 in the first place. This family was driven and disciplined and it accounts for their enormous fame. And pain.

But the event was over-staged to clearly allow Michael's memory to resonate in a positive way. LA shut down FREEWAYS and we usually only do that for white Ford Broncos. We are, after all, the second largest city in the United States.

There was a plea couched in a speech from one of America's most loved athletes, Magic Johnson, who told a very funny story about having dinner with Michael. But then he went on to mention the aunts, uncles and cousins the 3 Jackson children will now have to play with, the subtext telegraphing that Michael's children belong with Jackson's mother. They know full well that California law will likely give the children to their bio Mom unless they can prove Debbie Rowe is unfit.

The only thing Reverend Al I'mAlwaysScreamingAtSomeone Sharpton did was screech about Michael changing the rules for black people on MTV. Fine, but dude, dial it back an octave. And Lionel Richie, pack it in. I can't look at that mustache for one more minute. And John Token White Guy Mayer, your 15 minutes was up 2 years ago. Mariah, stop already with the hand gestures and the boobs falling out at a memorial. We're seen them. Many many many many many times.

A Democrat from the House of Representatives was called to the podium and emphasized that in the U.S., you are innocent until proven guilty. Talk about out of left field. Brooke Shield's speech was lovely and touching but highlighted that the PRESS GOT IT WRONG about her and Michael's relationship. As in, "everything you've ever heard about Michael has been wrong."

I tend to be cynical about things that don't seem to originate directly from the heart but come with an agenda. I know they miss their brother and son and I'm not saying they didn't love him, but this was a commercial. A positive spin on what the future should hold for these 3 children. No one knows who Blanket's mother is. Are you fucking kidding me? AND STOP CALLING HIM BLANKET.

The last vision of Michael's daughter Paris crying, saying her Daddy was the best Daddy in the world and that we had no idea how great he was as a parent was a questionable decision and Janet Jackson hustled her off stage immediately afterwards. People blasted Sarah Palin for parading her Down Syndrome child before the RNC and only time and reviews will decide if allowing Paris Jackson to speak had the same effect on people. I've been watching TV all day and they've repeated this little girl crying over and over and over. The exploitation is ironic in that Michael never allowed them to be used by the media. We didn't even know what they looked like.

I watched the NBC special on Dateline and one of the saddest things was Martin Bashir saying as Michael was growing up and realizing he was starting to resemble his father, the father who beat him constantly, that's when he started the skin bleaching and excessive plastic surgery. If you look like your abuser, you don't need to see That Man in The Mirror every day. Michael once said, in an interview years ago, that it's not IF a parent loves a child, it's how that child remembers that love. That seems to sum up what happened to Michael. He didn't remember his childhood with a lot of love.

This is what I will take from his life and leave the rest to karma. In a one hour interview on a radio program, Michael said, "If you're surrounded by negative people, get rid of them. You can never succeed with them around. What you think is what you become."

That is good advice, no matter who he really was. R.I.P. Michael.

Bugger This

XXX said...
さあ、今夏も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか？当サイトは円助交際の逆、つまり女性が男性を円助する『逆円助交際』を提供します。逆円交際を未経験の方でも気軽に遊べる大人のマッチングシステムです。年齢上限・容姿・経験一切問いません。男性の方は無料で登録して頂けます。貴方も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか

I was getting these last week. I deleted them all and these people were NOT happy with my sanity saving tactic. Yesterday morning I had 53 emails. Half of them were the person above, copies of comments they left. They come in the night like a cheap whore or a guy whose wife won't have sex with him.

SO, I am very sorry that I have to put the word verification up until this douchebag goes away. In almost 3 years of blogging, this is only the second time this has happened. If you don't want to comment because it's IRRITATING to have to type that stupid, unreadable word in, I totally understand and please put me on your shit list. Like usual.

I've been busy lately and ate a bad salad last night and have food poisoning that worsened throughout the day BECAUSE I CAN'T GO FIVE FUCKING MINUTES WITHOUT A BODY ISSUE. I'm pre-posting this so don't think I stayed up until midnight to put this up. So now I'm really REALLY way behind reading and commenting. See? I'm definitely shit list material.

End of comments?

Juuuuulie Like A Dog

I stayed at Carson and Johnny's annual Fourth party for 8 hours. When you have guests that bring homemade ice cream AND rice crispie treats, not to mention the smoker goodies like tri-tip and chicken, and you have to wait in LINE because the stuff was so good, now that's a party. And no boring vegetables. SCORE!

The divine Carson.

C+J have the most interesting group of friends. A journalist from Sky News was filling us in on the Michael Jackson developments, Louis Metoyer, world renowned guitarist showed up to play one song and split. He's the only guitarist in the world who can replicate Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner and he shows up every year to play that ONE song. I was sitting next to a 23 year old girl and when he started to play I whispered to her, OH MY GOD, he sounds JUST LIKE JIMI and she gave me a blank stare. I felt sorry for her. Lord kids, you really missed the greatest musicians of all times. This was one of the games at the party. The goal was to get Green Shorts drunk enough to lose. In years past he always got naked after he got really drunk. This year he didn't get naked but he did get massively drunk. At one point we thought he had drowned. Good times.

Someone brought their rubber girlfriend. And no it wasn't me although we looked alike but I had more scars.
Fireworks!
All in all, a great Hollywood party. As usual. I have to hand it to artists, they really go crazy trying to out do normal people. Meaning no children, lots of swearing and tons of booze.

End of chat.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

There was a plane heading to LAX yesterday that had to be diverted because a 50 year old man took off all his clothes and had to be subdued. This is what makes women superior to men in every way. We'll wear short skirts and get kicked off the plane, join the mile high club and scream at flight attendants for more booze. BUT WE WILL NEVER TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS, ESPECIALLY WITH THE LIGHTS ON. Except strippers, who are smart enough to make over a grand a night for their efforts.

It's possible we all need to move to France.

My mother is in the beginning stages of macular degeneration and had to have a shot in her eyeball before she left Paris. Co-pay 15 Euros, $20 bucks. She went to a doctor here and the visit and shot? $1900. She will not move here because our healthcare system is so poor. Socialized medicine, the entire world has it but us. And YES she can choose the doctors she wants.

Did I mention Mom is staying for 2 more months? So my commenting has slowed down since I spend more time screening my calls and trying to find compassion, which I've hidden somewhere in my house.

I saw the family the other day and forgot to bring my best friend, Advil, along. Lindy was out so my mother generously offered me her pain pills. I take 2 and quiz her on how strong they are.
"Zey are not strong."
"Are you sure?"
"I take 6 a day and zey only provide an hour of relief each time."

I took 2. If mom could handle 6, I should be taking 37. She even told me I probably wouldn't feel them after all my surgeries and pain pills.

"Advil takes an hour to work."
"Zese do too."

15 minutes later I'm stoned out of my mind sitting in a chair wondering how people on TV make their mouths move.

"Mom, what's in these pills?"
"Ohhhh I don't know, morpheene I sink."

TWO MORE MONTHS.

End of chat.

I Lost

If people could just stop DYING all over the place. Today Harve Presnell died at 92.

These were the stars of 50 years ago. Their careers spanned a lifetime. Speidi's is already over.

So Far I'm Winning

I went to the corner store and bet the kid who works there that one more celebrity would die in the next 2 days. (That's our version of Bingo) Karl Malden died, I win. I'm pretty sure the kid has no idea who Karl Malden is.

Did anyone recognize Brooke Shields in the picture I posted with Michael Jackson this morning?

Remember, they dated. Very realistic.

Michael Jackson Is Dead

Did JFK get this much coverage?

A motorcade to Neverland? Two and a half hours away? I wouldn't travel that far to have sex with George Clooney.

I'm back at my keyboard. I black out when I lie.

I have no idea where I got this picture. Either from one of those grungy old Hollywood Blvd. souvenir shops while I was tripping on E or someone gave it to me as a joke while they were tripping on E.

Either way, it's a picture you rarely see.

And The Beat Goes On

""Would you be opposed to someone starting a Fans of Suzy Soro on Facebook? Or does it already exist? I can't find it. But it would be a great place for some of your fans to post info about your appearances, book releases, etc. And I think it has blocking/admin features that would address any potential problems. I don't think it would require you to be on FB, but it might be a useful marketing tool. Don't mean to be a goof about this, just thought I'd ask. ""

I left out this person's name on purpose, not because I don't love her but because I have nothing to promote right now. I turned it down but GOD I wish you all were my real family.

Oh wait, you are.

End of chat.

Facebook Anyone?

This is from my hilarious friend Ron, who decided not to let well enough alone, mainly because he's a computer genius and can do things the rest of us only dream about.

Hi Suzysoro, I set up a Facebook profile where I can post my pictures, videos and events and I want to add you as a friend so you can see it. First, you need to join Facebook! Once you join, you can also create your own profile.Thanks, Ron

See who who else has invited you to Facebook:

Dan Balogh 280 friends 20 photos

Connie Kaplan 103 friends 20 photos

James Wilson 20 friends 1 photo

Denise Bourie Thomas 64 friends 7 photos

Eric Shantz 637 friends 33 photos

Jenée DotNet 320 friends 6 photos

Ron Southern: 4 friends 0 photos 0 notes 1 wall post 0 groups

Jenee's last name is DotNet because she's afraid of stalkers. Maybe she should get off the internet, no? And because she has no further use for me or this blog, she only checked it 3 times today.

Guess Who This Is From?

''I’ll do you and Suzy the courtesy of responding to you privately rather than posting it on her blog. I really don’t need some Pollyanna sycophant of Suzy’s lecturing me about what I should and shouldn’t say. You don’t know me, you don’t know my humor and you don’t know the relationship I’ve had with Suzy over the last 10 years. The comment was meant in jest and there was no indication that Suzy would get all wound up over it. Go to Google and search Suzy’s blog for the word “cunt.” You’ll see that I used it before, that several other people have used it before and that Suzy herself used it before (spelled out in full, none of that cowardly “c word” crap that she’s suddenly using). So don’t tell me how women are supposed to speak and then praise Suzy as the “queen of comedy” when I was merely following her example."

Jenee, I'm sorry but I don't remember calling you that on your blog. What I say to others is irrelevant here. Following my example. You're just lying now. None of that cowardly "c word" crap. Funny how you didn't use the word in that email and instead wrote the "c word" yourself. You are speaking to my much larger audience. You have 8 Google subscribers. I have over 200, some of them were bound to be on my side.

And from the reader who got the email: ...she's just down right jealous of you. I did go to her blog..I did not find her funny ...no skin off my back either way.

End of chat.

Stop Asking Me To Join Facebooger

These are things you should know about me:

1. I'm not a joiner.
2. I don't want some jealous anonymous skank pinning some doody on my wall.
3. I don't care where you are.
4. I don't care what your status is unless you're dead.
5. Google, I'm all over the first 15+ pages.
6. People know where to find me, I assure you.
7. I can't get female comics to compliment me on my blog, (they send me emails if they think it's funny, but GOD FORBID they go on the record with it.) So imagine what Facebooger will make them do.
8. (Except for Martha and Ann and Fahey and her red chair diaries, who are fairly normal comics).
9. I blog to showcase my writing and humor.
10. I got jobs off my blog.
11. What did you get off Facebooger? Old high school friends?
12. Old College friends?
13. THAT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

R.I.P. Michael, Farrah, Ed And Governor Who?

I don't care if Governors cheat on their wives. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been doing it for well over 20 years before our great state of California ELECTED HIM GOVERNOR. TWICE. It's apparently a prerequisite out here.

I suspose if you were a huge fan of the 70's and 80's, yesterday was a big loss for you. I wrote recently about seeing Farrah. I was at the Improv on Melrose uselessly sucking up to anyone over the age of 16. She didn't look right but was surrounded by a coterie of young comics and tourists. She was graciously signing autographs and taking pictures with everyone. I, for once, stayed away from her because she looked melancholy. Something seemed off. I found out later that was the time frame she was diagnosed with cancer.

If you saw the shameless View yesterday morning, you heard Baba Wawa pimping out her special on Farrah Fawcett-almost-O'Neal. She mentioned 3 times they moved it up a day because they announced that Farrah was hours from death. My heart was beating so fast. THANK GOD I FINALLY WATCHED THE VIEW TODAY.

So when Michael Jackson died, all I could think about was Barbara pulling out the hair under her wig knowing she'd been officially wiped off the news. They're mentioning it out here every 5 minutes of every hour on Jackson. If you look closely at the footage on Michael, you can see the kerchief in front of his face hides the loss of his nose, which collapsed long ago and finally could not be fixed. He wore a custom made nose plate and wore the kerchief to hide it. There are still some side shots where the plate gapes over the nose and you can see it. It looks like a nose eave.

It's terrible and cheap to talk about Jackson's plastic surgery but hello, have you met me?

Thriller, still best album and video ever. RIP Jacko. Little boys everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief.

RIP Ed McMahon. I did Starsearch with Ed. Mr. McMahon was a large man. Tall and broad and just, big. The only time you got to see him was when they were lining up the two finalists for possible national humiliation. So there I was, standing next to X Comic (I got in trouble with my buddy Ron the last time I mentioned and trashed this comic's win so I'll leave out his name) and Ed announced our scores. I got 3 and a quarter stars and X comic got 3 and 3 quarters stars. If you watch the tape, you see me stand there a second trying to remember fractions. I cannot. Ed gently moved me along. I was mortified.

And just to prove to you all those shows are rigged, my Dad said to me later, "How could that guy have won over you? "

Apparently the editors agreed with my Dad because when I received a copy of the tape, they had removed my biggest joke, the one that got an applause break, another joke and cut my overall time down by 60 seconds. Obviously if they had felt that K.A. really should have won, they would have left all my stuff intact. They edited me out to make Mr. Apio look better.

So again, heartfelt good wishes and best ever to Kermit Apio.

And my final thought. If one more person refers to a dead person with "He's in a better place right now" I would just like to respond with.

How do you know? Have you been there? Fool.

End of chat.