It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!
I'm over at Uproarious today making inappropriate comments and flashing my boobs at the 3rd season winner of Last Comic Standing.
Let the bitching begin:
Merriam-Webster's online dictionary has now decided to charge money for the use of their service. Is this the beginning of the Internet turning on us? $4.95 a month or $29.95 a year. $29.95? Well, this was surely a smart move because the housing market is stable and gas is a steal. Goodbye Merriam-Webster, hello real dictionary sitting next to me that is so heavy it takes two people to lift.
Who is going to win the battle of the box office this weekend? Mamma Mia or The Dark Knight? I think the Mamma Mia Machine was smart to open on the same day as the Batman Franchise. This way they're going to get spillage. Overflow. And really pissed-off men. Men who couldn't get tickets to TDK but whose girlfriend is making them "Take me out, come on honey, it'll be fun!" Sorry guys, and by guys I mean the Hets. The Mos may be all aboard the ABBA train.
The only thing I care about is they STOP running that annoying Mamma Mia commercial piggyback. A piggyback is when they run a commercial, run another unrelated commercial and then run the first one again, all in the space of 90 seconds. It should be punishable by death. I will selflessly volunteer to kill the Mamma Mia commercial.
I've got THE WORST ALLERGIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I've taken so much Benadryl that I'm pissing pink. I'm exhausted from the pills, still have no feeling in my finger tips and am walking with crutches and Gigantor the Boot. Ask me how many things I drop? And leave where they are. If I die suddenly, CSI will be able to piece together the last 48 hours of my life just by following the trail of detritus that litters the floor.
The Learning Annex must die. They got into serious trouble over the Donald Trump Seminars that were held in Southern California a while back. They turned out to be seminars to get people to spend money, not make money. People were pissed and demanded their money back. They didn't get it.
I signed up for a class over a year and a half ago. They cancelled it. Twice. Now they don't return calls or refund my money. Here is what I don't understand. Do they think I would ever recommend them to anyone? What's the adage? If it's a success you tell one person and if it's a failure you tell everyone? Consider yourselves everyone.
Kaiser Permanente is a whore. Remember the nose bleed that wouldn't stop last year? They ended up charging me over a thousand dollars for four and a half hours of NOT making it stop. I paid them $465 and then wrote them a Cease And Desist For The Rest Or I Will Sue Your Asses letter. Twice. It's times like this I wish that instead of going into comedy I had taken my dad's advice and gone into litigation. I could always talk my way out of trouble. Ask some of my previous audiences.
End of chat.
The Learning Annex Is A Big Ripoff Kaiser Permanente Is A Big Rip Off

End of my scooter waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

End of chat.
Which one of these Broadway stars do these shoes belong to?


I had taken pics of my feet before the surgery because I have pretty feet and wanted to remember them as they were. I've won CONTESTS with my feet. OK, I didn't but I could have.
I came home and tried to sleep. The boot goes all the way to my knee and is lined with a Siberian Husky. Because it's so big it creates a pup tent under the covers. And if I turn my leg on the side the foot starts to throb and ache and pain shoots through it. The scar over the area where they scraped off the bone spur is extremely sore. I got up and attempted to remove the boot but couldn't because I don't have a degree in engineering. By the time I figured it out I decided that could destroy the surgery so I leave the Eiffel Tower on my foot. I figure it's just better to try and get used to it. If the pain continues I'll have to get more pain pills. Suddenly Steven Tyler's rehab makes a lot more sense to me. I thought he was exaggerating because I had a foot operated on and I had no pain. As the saying goes, Never judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's high heels.
Valentine's Day in Vegas couldn't be more annoying if it tried. People running around all in love and shit and strangers looking at you with sad eyes because OMG you're alone! But I didn't care because I couldn't wait to see the guy that all comics put in their top 5 of best standups ever. If you don't get that, chances are you might not understand what makes great comedy. It's hard to explain if you're not in the business of making people laugh. You're just going to have to trust me and every other comic on the planet on this one. Can 20,000 of us be wrong? Uhhh. No.
Standing on a stage for over an hour trying to hustle an audience into laughing is not for the weak. It's so difficult that sometimes I look back on my younger self and wonder what convinced me that I could tackle such a job. How did I believe I had the wherewithal to make an audience love me? Or make them laugh or require them to think? Few of us will ever attain the rank of making an audience think. That requires enormous skill and I'd be the first to admit that I can't do it. I'm not that gifted. But Carlin had it in spades. Imagine trying to talk about religion, as George did in his bit on the Ten Commandments, and yet point out how ridiculous those Ten Commandments were. Who makes fun of that and wins? George. Because he was a master of comedy. My friend and fellow comic Matt Davis sent me an email that really summed up George's genius. He was a maestro with his words. He would start a premise or a story and he would zig and zag and weave and go off onto several different tangents (all of which were relevant and hilarious), and he would always come back and join it all together 10 or 20 minutes later and tie the end piece with a bow. It was amazing. It made me want to write more jokes and quit comedy forever at the same time.




